Lord Der Arzte - Gentleman Detective - Chapter 16
The power of gentle persuasion and a royal visit.
To his Lordship's mind, the night had ended very well. So well, in fact, he had received his very first kiss.
Sam had been tucked into bed with the promise that his Lordship would pack up five National Geographics for the young child and send them to him so he could read them over the next week. Then, when Harold came for his next visit, he and Sam would discuss the book’s contents.
And, when finally he and Lucy stood in front of the closed door, Lucy stood still with her hand wrapped around the doorknob, almost frozen in thought. His Lordship was just about to ask if the door had become stuck and that he knew of seven different ways of unlocking a door but had only been partially successful with one, and that included using the key.
“I was going to tell you that we couldn’t be friends.”
Harold's face lost the flush from his cheeks. “Oh… I see, of course… I will respect your wishes and ensure that I act most respectfully towards you in public. Please excuse my reactions right now; I am somewhat deeply disappointed.”
Before he went any further, Lucy made a decision. She leaned carefully inwards and placed a gentle kiss on Harold’s lips.
As she watched the smile blossom over Harold’s whole demeanour. Lucy whispered, “Then I changed my mind.”
“Why did you change your mind, dear Lucy?”
“Because… I decided I like you, Harry… as much as you like me.”
Sir Harold Der Ärzte then gave his very first kiss, which lasted quite considerably longer than the other.
*
But that was then, and this is now. In the cold morning light, his Lordship once more found himself in the delightful company of Lucy. Unfortunately, it was in the cop shop, with multiple sets of eyes watching their every move. But being close was nice, even if it was in a building full of people.
“I say we get a hot poker and shove it up his…”
“No, Harry, apart from it being illegal, it won't work.”
“Yes, dear Lucy, I keep forgetting he’s just a head.”
“Well, yes, that too, but when interrogating someone, I always find that kindness works so much better. Honey over vinegar, every time.”
“Banks and I could take him outside and play kickball with him for a little while. I’m sure that would loosen up his lips!”
“You might kick his lips right off if Banks gets too invested. No, Harry, this is the best way.”
“I will acquiesce to your experience. But I must say that I am very uncomfortable with the fact that he has requested Mother to attend his interrogation. She is a lady and is not used to these conditions. I fear she may…”
Lucy tried not to but couldn’t help the response bursting from her lips, “Faint? Poor dear delicate woman.”
A look of dread flowed over Lord Der Ärzte’s face, “No, that would be a blessing. She’s more likely to royal everyone.”
“What?”
“You wait and see, she can’t help it. It runs in her blood.”
“These two seem a bit chummier since their dinner date.” Sergeant Aufrecht murmured from the side of his mouth to the observant Banks, who stood next to him, watching the Lieutenant and his Lordship stand in the corner whispering to each other.
Being a professional, Banks simply turned and smiled at the Sergeant. It was not the ‘done thing’ to talk about one’s master behind one's back, especially when one's master knew a great deal about one, all of which could be disclosed to a flaming torch bearing crowed by a peeved-off employer who didn’t like being talked about.
Sergeant Aufrecht turned his stoic face back to his Lieutenant and decided he liked Banks. To his mind, gossip was only useful when catching criminals.
A knock on the Lieutenant’s door rang out around the small room; Constable Blusher poked his head in and, with round-eyed enthusiasm, commented, “Mam, there’s a bloody huge black carriage with six black horses out the front. It’s bloody amazing, Mam. I’ve never seen anyfing like it in all my life!”
“Oh, good, Goddess! She’s engaged in full-blown hoity-toity mode. Banks, go see to Mother and make sure she’s got the kickball with her.”
“Yes, your Lordship.”
And with that, Banks turned bent down to miss the door frame and left to gather Lady Der Ärzte from her carriage.
Baker Street police station had never had an inspection other than from the cleaners who came in every night and complained to anyone who wanted to listen that the least the police could do to make their jobs easier would be to take their shoes off before coming inside.
“Your men don’t know what they’re in for.” Whispered Lord Der Ärzte as he and the Lieutenant stood outside her office watching the backs of all the officers who just happened to have lots of filing to do.
It was as if a magic spell had been cast outside. A rather large group of people had gathered to see the poshest carriage they had ever seen. Not to mention the horses that all gleamed and reflected the sunlight off their polished ebony hides. This was wealth. This was magnificent. This was pageantry and pomp. And this was something if they were lucky enough to nick a piece off, could feed the family for a week.
As Banks helped her ladyship step down from the carriage, she turned and gently waved to the crowd who watched her. To the surprise of most, who normally sized up a person by their worth per pound of knifeable flesh, they waved back and felt special because she had noticed them.
“Aint she regal! Look at her dress, i’s all silk an’ ‘er hair i’s like silver!” whispered one stunned but vocal bystander.
As she entered the front reception area, Lady Der Ärzte shone. “Oh, my Banks, what a wonderful establishment. One can tell our city is guarded by only the best. And to whom am I speaking?”
A miraculous thing occurred. Desk Sergeant stood up and saluted, shocking all those who watched. Most coppers who’d been on the job even before the dragon days couldn’t remember Desk Sergeant standing up. He was sort of… just there at the beginning of a shift and there at the end. Everyone thought he wheeled himself home on his office chair. Some didn’t even know he left the building.
“Desk Sergeant Blume at your service, Mam.”
“Thank you, Sergeant Blume; how long have you served your city?”
“From a boy of 12, Mam.”
Everyone laid mental bets as to how long the Sarg could keep his arm up for the salute.”
Lady Der Ärzte extended her long silken glove to the Sergeant. “So, not very long at all then!” and gently chortled.
The officer laughed and jiggled his wide girth, then delicately held her Ladyship’s hand as he gently directed her like a prize-winning ballroom dancer to the wooden half door. He opened it smoothly, allowing her entrance into his world.
“Sergeant Blume, are these fine and upstanding men your squad?” Her ladyship gave a small but regal smile followed by a broadcast gaze across the now nervous and shuffling-to-attention men.
“Yes, you Ladyship. This is the day watch, but only half of them because not everyone can fit into the station. We have three swings, grouped into six squads. This is Swing 3 Group H. They’re just filling out their reports, and then they’ll go out onto the beat for 2 hours and be replaced by Swing 2 Group E, who’ll come offbeat and fill out their reports for half an hour and have a feed then go back out. In 8 hours, Swing E will be replaced by Swing 1 Group B. 8 hours of work, 8 hours of rest and 8 hours with the family.”
His Lordship turned and whispered to the Lieutenant, “Maybe my mother should be employed by you as an interrogator?”
“Oh, Sergeant Blume, I’m sure your wife and family find this arrangement most suitable.”
The Sergeant paused for just a moment too long before replying calmly, “Ah, thank you, your Ladyship, but unfortunately, my missus passed away during the dragon times and to her great lament, we was never blessed with children.”
The Lieutenant and others who’d been listening and who were on the ball – which was the vast majority of the station, now understood why Sergeant Blume, who should have retired last year, had remained at work… with his family.
Her Ladyship, too, had clued on quickly and commented quietly, “As a widow myself, Sergeant, I understand your heartfelt loss. And may I say the world is a poorer place for you and your dear wife not to have had children. But I thank you on behalf of all the residents of our fine city for your continued unwavering dedication and devotion to your profession.”
Desk Sergeant smiled whilst a little moisture gathered in his eyes. “Thank you, your Ladyship.”
And it was at this moment that her Ladyship won the hearts of every copper in the room, “Oh no, dear Sergeant, please call me Loquacious!”
The Sergeant’s smile increased to quite a broad grin.
“Well, I am very impressed by the sheer number of obviously highly professional people we have caring for our wonderful city.” Her Ladyship nodded and smiled once again to the officers who were now standing at full parade attention. “I feel safer knowing that Bone Valley has this outstanding calibre of fine constabularies in charge of our safety and smooth operation. What would we do without you all? It is my absolute pleasure to meet you all! What do you do with all your reports?”
“Lady Der Ärzte, thank you for coming down to the station. I do appreciate your efforts.”
“Oh, Lieutenant Ehrlich, so wonderful to see you again. It is my pleasure; I do so enjoy meeting the people upon whom our prodigious city depends.”
Lucy smiled politely with her hands held behind her back; she was ever so aware a show was being put on and people were being won over. So, this is how they did it, she thought. This is how the toffs rallied people to run happily into the fields to be cannon fodder and be planted below the poppies forever. One Duke gets bumped off somewhere because he didn’t want to go to some party or other; everyone gets their knickers in a twist, and war starts. And what everyone doesn’t realise is that the person who started it was probably the Duke’s twice-removed nephew who decided to climb the family’s ladder to wealth and needed to prune a few branches down before doing so.
Not the poor’s fault everything got out of hand. It was wise, Luce thought, to remember when the poor fought, dirty looks were thrown; when the rich fought, bombs were, which tended to land on the poor.
Look at the dragon years. All the rich fled the city for their country manors and estates, leaving the poor to deal with the bloodshed. Then, finally, when the blood was washed off the streets, the rich trotted back and had the gall to whinge that their favourite gentleman's club, golf club and lady’s progress association hall had been burnt to the ground, whilst the poor stood around unable to find enough food to feed their kids.
“I think Mother should be searched by the two officers to whom I sent the hand lotion!” His Lordship whispered very loudly. “A good search would do her the world of good!”
It was as if he’d sworn publicly at his poor, elderly, sweet, grey-haired and defenceless mother. As one the who constabulary eyeballed his Lordship, which would have made a lesser man falter, but not a Lord.
“Oh Harold, do be quiet!” Her Ladyship raised her silken glove to be shaken by the Lieutenant, who did so gently because, unlike Harry, she could read the room.
“Would you like a cuppa, your Ladyship, and some chocolate almonds?”
“Oh, Lieutenant, that would be divine, but I don’t want to bother anyone. I can see everyone is frightfully busy and engaged with their very important roles and duties. It seems to me you are all completely indispensable!” Her Ladyship’s smile broadened. “Maybe Harold could make his dear Mama a warm pot of tea, as he doesn’t seem to have anything else better to do?”
To the delight of her Ladyship, a rustling snigger rolled over the watching troops.
His Lordship’s left eyebrow rose ever so slightly. “Certainly, Mother.” A curt, painful smile was given after a brisk nod of the head. “Banks, be a dear. I noticed Mrs Tofana had her tea cart just a few paces from the front door. Could you please purchase my mother a cup of tea and a soft biscuit as her teeth aren’t her own, but also give Mrs Tofana 10 Smackers and let her know that this is a down payment on the account for her to provide free cups of tea for any police officer from this establishment along with their wives and children for the next month. Let her also know you will come down on the first day of each week and pay her bill.”
“Right, you are your lordship.”
“Oh, but Banks, clarify to her that if any officer falls ill from any of her food, she will be dining with Mother before the day is out.”
Quiet looks of ‘we won't be shy in stepping up for a cuppa, and bikkie flowed through the ranks.
Lucy smiled, “Very kind, your Lordship. Please, Lady Der Ärzte, follow me to my office.” The Lieutenant looked over the silken shoulder of her Ladyship, “You did bring Dr Wienerbunns?”
Her Ladyship smiled as she pulled her long travelling gloves off. “Yes, Lieutenant, as instructed. But Harold, it would be best if you refrained from name-calling. Dr W is a very gentle soul who has been through so much trauma; we must have kindness in our hearts when speaking to him.”
One of the coachmen dressed in a white powdered wig and smart black uniform brought forth a green silken box. Slipping the buckle, the coachman let one side fall.
“Taa-Daa, darlings, I’m back.” Kisses were blown to all those Dr Wienerbunns could see. “And a special big kissy to you, your Lordship, Mm mwah!”
His Lordship's cane was banged four times to match every step he took whilst following his mother, the ‘Head’, and Lucy into the Lieutenant’s office.
“Oh, my goodness, look at all you deliciously attractive men in uniform. Blimey, my Lordship, your buns are very tight, aren’t they!”
“Banks, get my and your soccer boots out; make sure the studs are nice and sharp. I’m sorry, Lieutenant, but I think it’s going to be kickball time.”
“Oh, my darling Lord, do tell, will you be wearing little shorts or tight stretchy lycra?”
“Mother, I must insist that you keep your little pet under control; otherwise, I will be forced to buy a very amorous chihuahua and leave him and ‘the head’ on the floor in a locked room for an hour!
“That is enough from both of you! You are in my station, and you will behave accordingly. Sir Harold, do you think you can control yourself enough to be in the investigation with me or not?” Lucy was quiet, just above a whisper, which always unsettled her men. They were used to and hardened by being yelled at and abused loudly on a daily basis, but being whispered at when they were in trouble, well… it was just beyond harsh! Some began to feel sorry for the toff, but just a bit.
“Yes, Lieutenant. My apologies!” His Lordship banged out a rapid tattoo on the ground.
“Dr. Wienerbunns? Are you going to be respectful or continue to stir everyone up?”
“No, Lieutenant, I’ll be good, darling, I promise.”
“Right then, let’s get on with it.”
As her ladyship passed her son, she gifted him a broad smile, “These are all my own teeth, as you well know. Shame on you, Harold. Lieutenant, interrogations are so very dull. Would you have a highly professional sergeant who might give up a moment or two of his time to show me around your establishment?”
“Mam!” Bellowed the Desk Sargent, “Mam, it would be my honour!”
It only took a small, slow nod from the Lieutenant for the Desk Sergeant to waltz up to her Ladyship and gently take her hand. “This way, your ladyship… I mean, Loquacious I’ll take you to the cafeteria where you can put ya feet up and enjoy your cuppa!”
“Oh, how delightful; lead the way, Captain, lead the way.”
“O, it’s only Sargent Mam!” The Desk Sergeant blushed.
“No, I don’t believe it. You have such an air of command and authority. I’m sure you’ll be promoted to a rank more suitable to your capabilities.
As his mother disappeared, followed by at least half the police officers, his Lordship turned to the footman who held Dr Wienerbunn’s box and whispered, “You didn’t, by chance, happen to see my golf set on top of the carriage, now did you?”
“Harry…”
“Sorry, dear Lucy.”
Oh, dear! Yet another series I'm going to have to get caught up on. But I suppose that's a good problem to have...
One Visit from Mama and the police station was won over.