Hello, how are you, sweet girl?
I know, I know, don’t struggle. Shhh, you’re okay, you’re safe, it’s okay!
I was beginning to worry your cup of tea would grow cold. I hope you like tea. Very presumptuous of me to hope you would. Mother always served tea and coffee at this time every day of my life. I don’t like to serve coffee, though; it leaves your breath smelling bad.
Oh no, your boys are fine; they’re both lying down. Don’t struggle, you’ll only hurt your wrist.
Please don’t spit, dear, it’s rude! If you keep doing that, I will have to put your gag back in an’ introduce you to Daddy’s belt.
Don’t cry.
Oh, dear sweet girl, I didn’t think you’d be so emotional. What can I do to bring you a little comfort? Oh, I know, I’ll tell you some of my stories.
Where shall I begin?
Yes, Mother!
Well, sweet girl, Mother was the darlingest woman you would ever wanna to meet.
Clean shoes and ironed clothes were always at the end of my bed every morning. Mother cared so deeply about our appearances. So much of her day was spent ensuring I was always presenting at my very best.
Awww, what a delightful memory of happy times. I wish I could turn back time to when she would brush away all those dark, annoying little cobwebs in my mind, cause now, without her, I’m always just that little bit jittery. I’m sure you can tell, sweet girl, I do miss her so.
You know this is the reason you’re here, my dear.
Yes, that’s right, I thought you’d be a little thirsty. Here, let me help you lift that cup up to your lips.
Be careful to blow first before you sip.
There you go.
Now, take another big gulp… well done. I’ll just put your cup and saucer down on the table in front of you. Just tell me when you’d like another. There you go! Good girl, that’s making the tears dry up now, isn’t it?
Try not to let your bindings bother you.
…Oh, I do like your perfume; it reminds me of Mother’s. All florals and musk, so beautiful.
It’s funny, though, isn’t it? Sometimes, a certain smell can take me back to when I was young. Does that happen to you?
I have seven scented candles, made in the old way with rendered fat.
In actual fact, tallow is what it was called.
When I was younger, I had to read up on how to make them. But that was easy because Mother would always take me to the library whenever I asked, to keep me out of Daddy’s way, you see.
I keep all my beautiful candles in my bedroom except for Mother’s. I keep her’s in her room and smell them whenever I want to feel close to her.
The first candle I ever made was very small. That’s Brother’s candle. I also keep him on Mother’s pillow so they’re always together. They were apart for such a long time, so it makes me happy they’re reunited again.
Brother and I… we used to play such wonderful games outside on the grass and down by the river, just like your little boys have been doing!
That sweet girl is how they caught my eye.
Brother was always the boy Daddy wanted.
Honestly, we’d call each other names when we played all our make-believe games, but he would always make me cry. I do recall Brother’s fists being always clenched.
My, that boy was just like Daddy, always so worried about what others thought of him. He once told me that God had run out of love the day I was born and that I shouldn’t have survived.
I don’t believe that. Well… not now anyway.
Goodness, now, the last time Brother and I played down by the river didn’t end well.
Do you know, my dear, no one ever found a single trace of him! Not even the tiniest bit of bone! No, no matter how hard those police men looked, they found absolutely nothing. I was such a clever little boy. So advanced for my age!
I hope that doesn’t sound like I’m bragging, sweet girl, because I’m not. Certainly not. Mother raised me better than that. But I was only eight at the time, and he was twelve and rather large for his age. So, I should take some pride in my accomplishments.
There wasn’t a lot of fat on his bones, hence why his candle is so small.
I remember watching my father smile; my brother brought so much happiness into his life. But after Brother went missing, I was shocked because it was the first time in my whole entire eight years on this green Earth that I had ever seen Daddy cry. I wish I could recall the last time my Father smiled. That would make me happy.
After Brother went, I tried so hard to make Daddy proud, but sadly, I always found a way to disappoint him. Sometimes, even my breathing disappointed him.
But sweet girl, I did try to get better for him, but… I can’t turn off who I am, now, can I?
Oh no, please don’t squirm; your bindings might rub off the furniture’s lacquer, and Mother would be so disappointed about that. You sit nice and quiet and have another sip of tea now, dear. That’s it. Another big ol’ gulp will do you the world of good; it’ll help you stay nice and calm. I put some of Mother’s nerve medications into it, just to help you along.
That’s right, that’s right… you’ll soon be heading off to Nighty-Night Land. Isn’t that wonderful! Forever at rest.
Where was I, dear?
Oh yes, well! Before I would begin to make a candle, I would clean Mother’s kitchen just the way she liked. Then I would prepare all my knives just the way I like them, cause I must confess, it does get messy. Cleaning up was all a stress. Couldn’t leave any trace in case I was found out!
Hahaha.
Sweet girl, not to worry, now I’m all alone, I can use the kitchen any way I like.
I know it probably doesn’t matter because no one comes into our home anymore. The neighbours all walk by rudely and point. I see them. They think I don’t, but I do. I’m not blind, and nor am I a stupid boy.
I hold my head up high and walk past them all.
Mother always told me not to worry about what people said, but… I still care what they think. I don’t know why I do. I wish I didn’t. I wish I could just be myself out in the open. Maybe it’s all because of how I was raised.
Oh my, now the memories are coming back. It must be because of you and your boys.
Did you know, once, when I was fourteen, Daddy caught me making a candle!
I know I was such a naughty boy, but she smelled so good I couldn’t resist.
Rose would serve us at the restaurant we would go to visit after church. Mother didn’t like the waitress because she was always leaning past me to give my father his meal first, smiling at him as if he were a big, old piece of apple pie.
I loved it, though.
Every time she would lean over me, I wanted to nuzzle my face right into her and breathe Rose into my soul.
She wore exactly the same perfume as Mother. This surprised me because Daddy bought Mother's perfume when he went to New York City.
Daddy didn’t tell Mother when he found me in the old laundry with the copper glowing red and all of Rose’s clothing spread out so beautifully on the table. Rose and I had such fun together. But Daddy walked in and saw me at work and made me promise with his hands around my throat, crushing the living breath out of my soul, that I was never to tell her. He said I had to stop. Said I was evil. And then he threw a ladle of Rose’s hot fat at me.
Her candle’s small, too, all ‘cause of Daddy.
Shame really.
Just like Brother, Daddy was always so worried about what people would think of him.
I’m sure he regretted what he did to me.
Mother never knew.
She looked after me every day when I was in the burns hospital.
Daddy never came once. In fact, I’d say right up until the time he passed, he never looked me in the eyes ever again. But when he lay in his deathbed and Mother was busy, I leaned down and reassured him that I didn’t want a candle from him.
Oh, my, look at you. That’s right, darlin’. Don’t fight it; just let your sweet dreams come and wash over you.
Mother passed away in her sleep, too, almost a month ago now. Her candle is my prized possession. I walk into her room every night just before I go to sleep so I can smell her. And then I go to my bed and rock myself backwards and forwards, singing her songs until I finally fall asleep and dream of her.
Like I said, I don’t have a candle for Daddy. …I don’t want to remember what he smelled like.
I’m sorry you feel uncomfortable, but you close your eyes now, that’s right. Your little boys enjoyed their milk and cookies. They went real fast.
I wish Mother were with me now; I’m so jittery. It builds like a twitch, you know, like an itch that I have to scratch or I’ll go mad. It’s at its worst and most awful when the candles stop giving me their scent, and I have to make a new one.
Mother's candle will last for a long time because I used a lot of her perfume in it, but I just couldn’t pass you and your boys up.
Oh, here’s a thing you might find interesting.
When you moved in next door, I was watching you and your sons. So many boxes! And you know what, sweet girl, you reminded me so much of Mother; you even had two sons as well. I couldn’t believe they liked playing in the same spot that Brother and I used to.
I watch them from behind the curtains in Mother’s room. Your oldest one is just like Brother. It’s so funny how time repeats itself.
I watch them playing by the river, one the boss, the other …the little disappointment, as my father used to say.
I wonder, did your little disappointment’s father smile at him?
Aw, sweet girl, you can’t talk now, can you?
Don’t you fret? It won’t be long now till you’re back with your boys.
My kitchen is nice and clean, and everything is already in preparation. Guess what, darlin’, I found the most special jar for you and your boys. It’s going to be the biggest candle I’ve ever made.
Isn’t that beautiful!
I’ll remember you for always, and you’ll always remind me of my own little family.
Oh, your candle’s gonna smell so lovely. That's right, you go to sleep now.
Goodnight, sweet girl, sweet dreams.
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well that was horrifying! this narrator is so relentless, the tone so overwhelming, you really made me squirm!
This was an unsettling and wonderful read.