The Golden Queen - Chapter 9
Self Confidence, Self Worth and a healthy dose of Revenge!
Image created by Canva AI and a whole lot of swearing by the Author
Cicadas almost broke their shells, clicking as loudly as they could to inform us all that it was officially ‘Bloody Hot’. It was the kinda hot where you have to get your priorities straight.
Do I want to go and sit in a hot classroom? …No
Do I want to start the genny to get the air con in the class going? …No
Do we have an aircon? …No
Or am I just going to say blow it, I’ll go to the beach?
It wasn’t a hard decision. Reminding myself not to feel guilty because, in actual fact, I was still on holiday, “Right, girl, let’s go for a dip!” cemented the decision.
My hot pink bikini bottom was found in my knicker drawer and then matched to my dark blue zigzag-patterned Rashi. Once the costume was slithered into, a quick look in the wardrobe’s aged mirror was taken, and thankfully, I didn’t cringe at what I saw.
Lust sat on my bed, plucking away at her acoustic guitar.
Doubt began to creep in. “Maybe I should put the bikini top on under the rashie?”
Full of support Lust replied, ‘Nah – ya don’t need it! The rashie‘s tight enough, and… it's got a support bra inside as well. That’ll hold what little you’ve got in place! Just go for a swim!’
Lust was sensible and helpful for once. She was right. Anyway, the bikini top gave me a horrible neck ache.
With towel in hand, I walked away from my unlocked hut… no need to in such a small community! The red gravel road was followed down to the beach, which was literally less than 50 metres from my front door. How lucky could I be?
The beach was a stretch of beautiful blinding white sand, backed by big rolling bleached dunes covered in green pigface and yellowing spinifex. The shoreline was hard, clean, and dotted by dark brown, black seaweed clumps. They all skirted outcrops of matching dark granite rock, swamped by crystal clear green and blue water. Further up past the boat-launching ramp, huge granite outcrops sat in the ocean, making the occasional spray of water rise into the air.
A millennium ago, lava had run like hot honey from ancient volcanoes down and into the sea. The liquid rock had cooled within the water's touch, remaining there forever under the unrelenting power of the Great Southern Ocean.
I found a private, little area clear of weeds, and after five minutes of careful assessment, I swam in beautiful, crystal-green water. Honestly, I’m terrified of octopuses! So, anything slimy or grabby in texture that might brush up or wrap around my leg will cause me to walk on water under an emergency foghorn scream.
I admit it’s a phobia… I know… there’s no logic to it at all. Just don’t get in my way when I’m freaking out. Swimming isn’t really my thing at all! So, I was very proud that I was in the ocean all by myself! New life, new approach and all that! Still couldn’t relax enough to put my head under water. That accomplishment would have to wait for another day …or maybe next year sometime; just build up to it slowly.
Anyway… phobias aside, the salty brine was cool, calm, and as unblemished as the air. People all over the world had to pay millions to be on a beach like this, and here I was, swimming in pristine Windy Harbour water for free! And, just to add to my incredible luck, I hadn’t had to compete with millions of others for car parks or weed-free spots. How was I ever going to be sad here? Swimming in the crystal water, the sun blazing down on me, as the warm breeze gently created a little swell. I was afloat in an octopus-free Valhalla!
*
It was hard to believe that a couple of hours passed so quickly, and I was now starving. It was like I’d never eaten lunch at all! Time to head home and have a cuppa and some afternoon tea.
Yes, I know I’m a Nanna. But this is my routine! And yes, I have a matching teapot and cup. Some people have recreational drugs in their lives; I have a matching teapot, cup, milk jug and my tea ritual. Don’t judge me!
With my wet towel firmly in hand, walking back up the squeaky beach and saying hello to every passer-by was lovely. Reassuringly they all happily said hello back to me.
Some of the little kids whispered, “Is that our teacher?” in that loud, kinda bellow whisper that kids use, thinking no one else but their Mum could hear.
Their mothers would apologetically smile at me and reply, out the side of their mouths, “Yes!” which made the children look around and study me a little further.
Sarcasm, in a black tracksuit and under a wide black umbrella, sat on a rock near the boat launching concrete ramp and commented in a snarky tone as I passed. ‘Wow, news travels fast here, doesn’t it! Don’t need Facebook when you’ve got the Grape Vine!’
*
With every heel click, my thongs lost a little of the white, sticky beach sand to the red gravel road. Damp towel swinging loosely by my side, forwards and backward to the rhythms of each step. The cicadas clicked their cadence in a quicker time. So… this is what happiness feels like! I’d almost forgotten.
The park was empty, and the village was quiet. The mid-afternoon sun was hot, and I was now very close to being completely dry. Most people seemed to have been out to sea fishing or down at the beach and, like Marcus, were now laying low from the afternoon’s heat and watching a video.
I could hear a few gennies going in the distance, all before time, I might add. It was tempting to flip the bird to the caretaker, but… I didn’t – because I’m mature… and he might have seen!
Sauntering through my BBQ area, the smell of Peppy trees hung in the air. ‘Lust’ looked out at me from my bedroom window, a wide cat grin on her face.
At times like this, I should REALLY click into the programme. But no! It just seems that whenever I get lost in the moment, or when I get too confident, or things are just puttering along nicely… I should, by experience, not be happily walking along in mindless bliss. Instead, I should be bracing for impact. I am about to head for a fall! And by the look on Lust’s stupid face, this situation was not about to disappoint.
As I rounded the corner of my hut brimming with self-possessed blissful confidence, I arrogantly looked over to the Kelly’s hut. And yes, Sir Delusion was on his veranda with his spunky brother.
Along with goodness knows how many other young and not-so-young guns! All of whom turned as one to watch me walk up my concrete paver side path.
‘Oh! Please, no!’ Anxiety nervously pony-trotted up and down on my front porch. Neither of us do well in crowds.
My toes automatically scrunched up on themselves. I didn’t stop to count heads. Instead, I clumsily yelled out (too loudly, I might add), “G’day,” as I bolted for the door.
Oh, Good Goddess…
Now, inside my safe cocoon bedroom, working solely on automatic pilot, I gathered my supplies. Toiletries bag - check the shampoo, grab fresh clothing from my old dressing table draws, and ensure knickers and bras are wrapped in a black t-shirt and shorts. Could I climb through the window to get to the bathroom instead of going outside again?
I looked at the recumbent Lust, who still lay on my bed. She looked at me with her cats, got the cream smile, and wiggled her eyebrows. ‘Bet-cha they all liked your rashie!’
In my ancient wardrobe mirror, it was obvious!
Boobs... again!
It was also, I might add, blindingly obvious I was not wearing a bra, and the supposed built-in support had let me down… Literally!
Stupid dumb rashie!
I don’t know how much more crushing embarrassment my toes can cope with before one of my little bones will snap under the pressure!
Awkward? Yes, that I can do.
Clumsy? Right up my alley.
Unco? I’m a master of that fine and delicate skill.
But publicly sexy…?
Not so much!
MY Goddess… I’m a ‘Teacher’!
I teach children!
They don’t need to see my boobs!
Realisation, who was now sitting on the edge of the bed next to Lust, gave me a look like I was the town idiot then addressed me harshly. ‘Why do you continue to believe a word she says? How many times are you going to dress inappropriately in the coming days? What are all the mothers going to think about you? Hmmm? …You’re a public figure entrusted to care for their children. Well? …well?’
She rolled her eyes in disgust at my muted stupidity, then continued aggressively. ‘On the first day, just expect a lot of fathers to be rocking up to drop their kids off! They’ll probably be hoping you’ll dress the same way at school!’
Lust’s smile grew even wider at that thought as my toes lined up and braced for more punishment.
Anxiety cried out from under the bed, ‘That’s it! This is the end! You’ll never get another job anywhere decent!’ She was about to go into an overload meltdown, and Lust’s disparaging eye rolls did not help the situation any.
Turning, with shame running through my veins and tears rolling down my face, I once again caught a glimpse of myself in my ancient yellow wardrobe mirror.
“How stupid can I be?”
Resilience, who now sat uncomfortably on the opposite edge to Realisation and Lust, looked displeasingly at both of them and at …Anxiety’s feet protruding from under the bed. She hiss-whispered in a childlike way. ‘Look what you’ve all done!’
I had spent almost six months with Carl, then three after him, where I was either being emotionally bashed or emotionally bashing myself. Believing I wasn’t good enough for him, that everything was my fault and if I had the guts to stand up for myself, I was overreacting ‘like normal’ and upsetting or hurting Carl. For so long, from so many people who should have given me worth, the only message I got through their actions, deeds and words was… Worthlessness!
Revenge waltzed into my bedroom in a wave of black leather and red lipstick glory. ‘Deep breaths, girl! You’ll never get anywhere if you do Carl’s job for him! Time to really look at yourself and not just the stuff on the outside! That, can always be photoshopped!’
She swung me around to face the mirror.
‘Think positive thoughts!’
Harder done than said.
Resilience stood beside me in her crumpled cotton clothing.
‘You’re not a skinny stick insect. You’re a curvy, busty goddess. You’re healthy, and there are people today who would kill for health, so don’t take it for granted. You’re a good, honest and caring person. You have worth. I think you’re cute in a browned-haired, porcelain-skinned (need to get outside and get some sun) kind of way, so that’s all a positive.’
Lust groaned; it was all too painful for her.
Nodding to myself, the positive mantra was feverishly continued. “I have worth!”
Resilience chirped in, “Not one drop of my self-worth depends on your acceptance of me!”
Wide-eyed and in disarray, I nodded, “Not one little drop!”
Then I stopped and thought about putting on my shorts and bra before I went out. Finding a happy compromise between my sheer shyness and my feminist side. My shorts went on, and I kept the bra off. Then, looking at myself in the mirror, I took the shorts off, put the bra on under the rashie, and finished by putting my shorts on the top of my pile and pointing at myself in the mirror.
“Not one drop!”
Resilience grabbed my shoulders and spoke determinedly into my face. ‘Right! Your Mission today, if you choose to accept it… walk quickly without tripping over and falling flat on your face.
Realisation joined her as a supportive cheer squad. ‘You’ve totally embarrassed yourself… true! But you might as well do a proper job and show that you have a bod’ that not all of us are ashamed of…. completely, well, not all the time anyway.’
Lust remained recumbent on the bed but called out in a false happy voice.
‘Give me a N, give me an I, give me a PPLE! What does it spell????’
Revenge pushed her off the bed and onto the floor. She turned on her spiked heel and pushed the remaining personality traits out of the mirror’s reflection. Grabbing both my shoulders tightly with the long red fingernails, she whispered like an enraged assassin. And when they all laugh at you, you can fail their children and scar them for life. So, get in the shower and have a good cry! The first step to success is getting yourself away from toxic people!’
Revenge was right. Realisation and Resilience were right!
…Lust
…was not right!
I just hoped my badly overactive, un-medicated crazy was enough to carry me through far enough past the gaggle of men.
As I stood in the kitchen like a runner at the beginning of the race, bobbing backwards and forwards, waiting for the gun to tell me to run, Lust called out from my floor, ‘You go, girl!’
The plan of bolting out the door with a quick smile to everyone, who seemed to be waiting patiently for my reappearance, worked. Luckily, with five big strides, I was around the corner with my heart hammering and cheeks flushing but feeling proud that I had not tripped face-first into the dirt.
*
I took my time in the shower. Got out dried and styled my hair as best I could, neatly brushed and tucked behind my ears. Helen had warned me not to try a hair dryer; otherwise, it would blow the genny.
Dressed in my clean shirt, shorts, and thongs, I was ready to face the onslaught. Yes, the black T-shirt was a bit tighter than the one I’d worn this morning. The neckline was a little lower and cut looser, but at least my bra held everything nice and tightly in place.
Smiling me shone out from the mirror! “Not one drop!”
Walking around the corner with my nervous penguin pelican eyes adverted from the Kelly’s veranda, it was apparent that even this didn’t prevent my panicky heart from hammering away in my chest.
It also didn’t help that Lust kept calling from my front doorstep. ‘He’s looking at you!’
“Cassie, let me introduce you,” Jase called out warmly.
Looking up, everyone dimmed into the background as my eyes were drawn to Mr Hunky Spunky himself.
Some of the men sat on the old lounge, but most stood in small groups on the grass in front of the hut. Taj stood leaning on a veranda post in a pair of old blue jeans, frayed at the knee and a white t-shirt. On him, they looked like the really expensive brands you buy from the really expensive shops. Hell, anything looks good on James Dean’s love child!
Jase faced everyone. “This is Miss Cassie Salvador. She’s our new teacher, just down from Perth, arrived last night.” He turned, smiling warmly at me.
“Hello.” I smiled and nodded at a few people. “Finished catching the salmon?” The mood changed slightly as if everyone was guarded and thinking carefully about what they were going to say.
Jase continued to smile, “Yes, nice little school! We had them rounded up in a couple of hours. They’ll be halfway to Albany by now!”
I continued the conversation with a polite and interested tone. “Do you catch anything else other than salmon?”
Out of the corner of my eye, I observed Taj. He held a mug to his lips, took a sip, and then looked me up from my feet to the top of my head, sending a nervous shiver down my arms.
Keeping the mantra, ‘Stay in control, Cassie, don’t lose it now!’ running through my head, I hoped not to provide him with embarrassing ammunition. The slight tremor in my arms was hidden by tightly holding both hands together in front of my stomach.
“Yep, when it’s abalone season, we go diving for them.” A short, red-headed guy in old black stubby shorts and a blue and pink striped polo shirt called out. He then tipped his beer to me, winking. Subtle and crappy flirting techniques seemed to be his mode of operandi. All the men gave him a knowing grin. I wasn’t part of the joke.
Jase had a little look of concern over his kind face. “Did Marcus help you at the schoolhouse?”
Taj looked straight at me with unease at his ‘youngest brothers’ whereabouts.
“Oh yeah, he worked really hard! He’s over at your Uncle Pauley’s house watching a video.”
The worry left Jase and Taj’s faces as they nodded in unison.
Something was annoying me, so I decided to push. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know he was ill.”
Everyone stopped drinking, and a serious air came over the veranda. Like everyone else, Jase quickly looked at Taj, who, in turn, looked directly at me. His amused smile had changed to a politely guarded one.
“He told you?”
“Yes, shark attack.”
Everyone, bar Taj, breathed out to release the tension.
“But it’s pretty easy to see he hasn’t been at all well. Interesting, he’s still recovering from a ‘shark attack’, isn’t it!”
Realisation stood in my hut’s doorway, pondering the conversation. ‘Interesting was the right word to use!’
Taj bit the corner of his bottom lip, then smiled as he looked around the crowd of still men.
Jase continued to look to his brother for the lead. I quickly glanced at all the other men; everyone was paying attention to Taj.
“He’s still recovering from what happened …yes. It’s the scars you can’t see that’ve done the most damage.”
His voice was level and calm as if he had thrown me some bait and was waiting to see what I would do with it.
Looking at him directly, in the same level voice, I replied, “I find it’s the scars people can’t see are the ones that hurt the most.”
You could have heard a pin drop. No one drank from their stubbies. Little Red kept staring at Taj’s, smiling away. Jase continued to stare unblinkingly at his brother.
It felt like Mr Cutie Pie controlled everyone’s movements and breathing. Every person seemed to be co-ordinated like a school of fish, with Taj controlling every glance.
They all waited for him to reply… weird!
I was being as careful and appraising as one human could be. Every little nuance of his behaviour was taken in and assessed… carefully.
His calm, reassuring voice questioned me. “Is this from personal experience?”
A mouthful of tea was taken as those lovely blue/green eyes watched me. Then, with one raised eyebrow, his gaze swept across the still the statuesque group of men. A hint of a smirk was beginning to build.
Laughing bitterly, I ignored a horrible stabbing pain behind my eyes; “I don’t like talking about it. It gives me a headache!”
One of his eyebrows twitched upwards quickly; then he got it under control.
Taking a deep breath to clear my head, I continued lightly. “Well, if you don’t mind, please excuse me, gentlemen! I need to make a cuppa and go back to work. I’ve still got a heap of stuff to organise.”
And just like that, all the men drew a deep breath in unison, smiled and nodded to me. Stubbies and cold cans were once more lifted to smiling mouths. The spell had been broken.
“Next time you go fishing, Jase, let me know. I’ve never been on a fishing boat before, and I’d love to watch you!”
Revenge clapped from inside my hut. ‘Give it to him, baby!’
Jase quickly glanced at his brother and, with a huge smile, stammered. “Yep, sure! Easily done, Cassie, that would be…”
Taj stared at him un-blinkingly as Jase finished in an amused and exuberant tone. “…great fun!”
Smiling at Jase and pointedly not at Taj. I quickly waved to everyone and then walked into my hut, pleased with myself. At least on this occasion, Mr 10 had not been amused at my skills of clumsiness or flaunting partial nudity.
Pelican- Penguin Brigade - 1, Mr 10- 0.
As I walked past Revenge, who now sat recumbent on the little lounge with her cup of tea, a relaxed congratulations palm slap was given. Smiling to myself, the heady rush of not embarrassing myself, jubilation and pride flowed through my veins!
While boiling the kettle and buttering yummy Northcliffe fresh bread. Which was dually smothered in golden Jarrah honey; Little Red’s voice travelled to my table as he unabashedly child-whispered.
“She’ll give you a run for your money, Taj. Seems that young chicky’s immune to your talents! Got her eye on young Jase, though.”
Unable to hear if Taj replied, the sound of a few others chuckling overtook any opportunity to do so. Jase was teased with a few gentle jibes.
Hot steaming tea was poured into my travel mug as I watched Lust listen closely at the door. Instead of joining her, I walked out of the hut calling out, “See you all! Bye, Jase”.
I was answered happily with, “Bye, Cassie. Bye, Miss.”
*
Walking over the red gravel road back to the school, I felt disappointed that I had missed out on seeing the fish loaded on the truck to be taken to Albany. I really would have liked to have seen that. Though, I’m sure I’d get another opportunity.
As Teacher walked next to me in a black skirt, white shirt and sensible heels, she began to wonder out loud. ‘It must have been a big school for all of them to go out. They would have needed at least three to four fishing boats to carry them all. Did you see that many boats anchored?’
When I go for a swim tomorrow, I must pay closer attention.
*
Like eddies in a stream, the world bent its flow to her.
She didn’t even realise what she was doing, not even aware she had control.
The world… his world was definitely bending around her.
You could feel it, like an underwater tide!
Everyone aligned themselves with her.
Everyone liked her.
She didn’t even have to try.
Marcus, it seemed, was already her faithful little puppy.
They were all like moths to the flame…
And surprisingly…
He was a moth, just like everyone else!
It had been a very, very long time since someone had been able to resist.
Bye, Jase… Yeah right!
His tea was drunk, and excuses to go for a walk were made.
Some chapters are just painful to write… this was one of them!
If you enjoyed reading Chapter 11… try;
Chapter 1
Chapter 2